After being run over last November I have generally avoided going out – for months I only left the house to attend church once a week. Sometimes the panic and anxiety would be too much and it would be a few weeks in the house before my husband would be able to coax me back out.
It’s now six months later and I’m beginning to feel like I am seeing glimpses of my old self again. I’ve been having regular sessions with a trauma therapist who specialises in EMDR. It’s been very helpful.
The panic attacks haven’t stopped but they’re not as severe or as often. I can see progress. The other week on my way to collect the children from school I heard a child screaming ‘Mummy’. That sound took me back to the collision. The memory of my son standing over me screaming mummy, the terror of not understanding what happened, and the overwhelming pain, consumed me. I found myself turning my wheelchair off, crying hysterically in the middle of the pavement. The difference this time? The panic only lasted ten minutes. I didn’t have to phone for somebody to walk with me, I was able to eventually calm down, and carry on to collect my kids.
Today I need to go to the bank and update my personal details as I got married at the end of October, just 5 days before the accident. It’s a task that I should have done months ago but I was living in a vice-like grip of fear. To get to town involves crossing multiple busy roads. But I cannot avoid roads forever – even if I’d like to. As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in Costa not far from the bank. Allowing myself time for my anxiety to reduce. Pacing my journeys this way and allowing myself rest periods away from the road helps make the task more manageable.
Everyday is different and has its own challenges but I’m finally learning to squash the fear back down. It’s not a race to conquer it, just one baby step at a time.
Dystonia and Me 