Posted in Archive, June 2023

Hospitals & Consent

Over the last few years I’ve not had the best experiences at my local hospital. I’ve gone in incredibly sick and been discharged in a worst state multiple times. It’s got to the point now where I have to know in myself that I can no longer cope at home before I will agree to go.

The other night after spending several hours vomiting uncontrollably, passing blood, and doubled up in pain so severe I was unable to talk through it or focus my partner rang an ambulance. I dislocate multiple times a day and live with organ prolapse, I’m good at handling pain but this was another level of hell.

The ambulance we would end up cancelling as it was several hours away and family could drop me there quicker. I was sat in my chair, throwing up, crying in pain and quite frankly not coping. A few hours into the wait I seized. I don’t remember this. The doctor the next day told me I’d managed to seize out my wheelchair onto the floor, they’d had to scoop me up and get me round to resus.

I can remember throughout the night they attempted multiple times to place a cannula but failed. I desperately needed meds and fluids, and asked for them to use an ultrasound machine and ideally a consultant as my veins are extremely hard to find but also blow very easily due to my Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. This request was ignored and they decided not to administer the fluids or meds I needed. I was there for over 12 hours. Eventually they decided to take blood from an artery by my groin. Again I requested an ultrasound and experienced Dr such as the anaesthetist on call (they are used to my veins and are patient) instead they pressed ahead blindly and painfully.

I’ll delve into this topic another time in more detail but please understand that a disabled person’s medical aids are an extension of themselves. You should never touch them without first gaining consent. While I was in the hospital I had the valve removed from my Cathater. They did not have my consent to do this. They had asked to attach a bag which was fine, I attach bags to the valve all the time. But I would never consent to the removal of the valve as then I would be on free flow which would cause horrific spasms as I have a neurogenic bladder. The valve is the only thing that helps manage these spasms. Yet it was taken off and binned without consent.

I was discharged that morning and handed a few days worth of the same antibiotics I had just finished and sent home. When my partner arrived in resus to collect me the first thing he asked was if I was well enough to go home. I shook my head but said nothing. Within an hour of being home my district nurses were calling another ambulance for me. My temp was 39.5, I couldn’t stop shaking and I was still in agony. There was a four hour wait and with how concerned my team were Damon loaded me back into the car.

This time they listened a bit better. We established that actually my bloods had shown a kidney infection and I needed a completely different set of antibiotics. But was once again sent home. Today I’ve hardly stayed awake. My other half stayed home to look after me and has had to wake me up for my nurses and meds. I’m exhausted, still with the raging temperature and just frustrated.

Posted in Archive, May 23

Patience: Can you lend me some?

Patience Can You Lend Me Some

Poetry isn’t my typical style. Even in my job as an author I write children’s books and YA fantasy fiction. However putting pen to paper and writing whatever comes out is how I deal best with my emotions.

I wrote this last night while in the bath. I’ve been struggling with nerve issues recently along with another round of optic neuritis that has drastically impacted my sight. This is the unedited raw poem that came from the turmoil. It may not be the best but it’s the best representation I have of me right now. I know others will understand.

Posted in Archive, March 2023

Check Engine Light

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions these last few weeks. That’s to be expected I suppose. Gastroparesis and its impact on my Dystonia and other conditions has been yet another life pausing event. Another painful event. Another force outside my control. There’s been a lot of tears in frustration, upset, anger and confusion at just how to manage this new hurdle. I don’t doubt that I can and will adapt. It’s the grief cycle again.

It’s got to the point where the doctors have finally agreed to have the district nurses come to my home three times a day to administer antisickness injections. These are the only antiemetics that I have found of any help. But in typical misbehaving form that my body truly excels in, this has not gone smoothly. I expected some bruising, but I’m now looking a tad black and blue, and bleeding a silly amount each time. It’s worth it to be able to keep my Dystonia and heart medication down though.

I’ve found the pain from the Gastroparesis, on top of my Dystonia has left me exhausted physically and emotionally.I do my best every day. Some days my best may look like nothing. I like to call that energy saving mode. I’m in that mode a lot lately as I’m acknowledging what my body needs. This is hard. Sounds silly I know. But life doesn’t exist for us to function this way. It’s geared up so that the expectation is you fall down, you brush yourself off and carry on. I need to stay down a bit longer.

The best way to describe what I’m trying to say is this. You wouldn’t set out on a long trip with a car that had a check engine light flashing, four flats, a drop of petrol and no oil. You wouldn’t get anywhere, you’d destroy your car. My body is the same thing, it’s out of fuel, every light is flashing and tires are shredded. I need to spend some time working out how to patch me up and that’s ok. It’s allowed. It’s important to remind ourselves of that in a world that is fast paced.

Posted in Archive, February 2023

Hide & Seek…

What? You found me already?! Dang you’re good. Though I suppose being back here in my second home isn’t really the best hiding place. But hey I had you for a minute there 😉

All jokes aside, I was admitted last Friday back to my local hospital. It wasn’t a surprise. I’d been going down hill quickly since my last discharge; unable to keep down food, meds or fluids for more than a few minutes at a time. I was feeling incredibly unwell.

My local practice has an amazing Advanced Nurse Practitioner (ANP) who takes fantastic care of me. She started doing regular tests to monitor me. My renal function was dropping fairly dramatically despite valiant attempts to sort the issue nothing helped so off to the hospital I was sent and have remained.

So far I have remained my usual medical mystery self. A Zebra to the core. Tolerating anything orally for generally mere minutes at best. Whilst urology have ruled things out on there side, my symptoms remain just as severe. Referrals have been made to the inpatient dietitian and gastro team so here’s hoping they’ll turn up at some point and they might have some fresh ideas..

Posted in Archive, January 2023

An Open Response to Sajid Javid

When I stumbled across the article in the Guardian during the early hours of Saturday morning I was horror struck. “Sajid Javid calls for patients to pay for GP and A&E visits” the bold headline all but shouted. The fear that boiled up instantly is one I imagine Sajid Javid is not familiar with. Fear of what might happen to you if you cannot access the medical help you need. A familiar fear. Rumours have circled for years that the Conservative government wants the NHS to fail so they justify privatising it. It’s a statement we’ve all heard, and although it’s one I’ve always dismissed as a rumour it’s still brought that stomach churning fear with it.

Could I afford my life changing treatment if it was private? No. Would I be able to afford my almost weekly GP appointments,a necessity to lower my hospital admissions? No. Would I be able to afford my multiple monthly A&E trips for my regular dislocations/spasms/seizures/etc? Nope. Not a chance. Would I have a hope of affording inpatient care – I was admitted twice in November, once in December, and twice more in January. There isn’t a flying monkey of a chance. That’s before we factor in operation costs, ambulances, outpatient appointments etc. It’s a terrifying prospect.

I’ve experienced life without my regular injections and daily meditations, I end up hospitalised on a feeding tube, blind due to eyes spasms, body twisted in spasm and jaw dislocated. It’s hell. It’s an experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Yet it’s what I would live with if dismantling our NHS happens.

Yes right now Sajid is only talking about GP and A&E fees. But once we allow the government to open that door will we be able to prevent a tidal wave of change from crashing through? For many just those two charges would be too much at a time where we already have people relying on public warm spots due to the cost of living crisis. I feel his suggestion will simply limit access to our incredible NHS, further isolating the vulnerable and the disabled.

Posted in Archive, January 2023

Dysfunctionally Me – A Reintroduction

I’ve had some new followers to this blog and it’s accompanying Facebook page recently, some of whom have been curious as to what on earth is wrong with me; after all the name implies Dystonia but a multitude of conditions get discussed. It’s a good question. So I thought I’d take a moment to write a short post reintroducing myself to you all.

I started this blog back in September 2012 after my life felt like it had been turned upside down. I’d been training as a midwife at Anglia Ruskin University Chelmsford and felt as if I was living my calling. However I was plagued by ailing health that got more and more severe.

I had to go on medical leave at the end of my first year. Despite my determination I would never return to midwifery, which to this day still breaks my heart. My body was no longer my own. I was wracked with spasms, needing a wheelchair to get about, I couldn’t even feed myself. It took months going from doctor to doctor, hospital to hospital, ambulance after ambulance until we finally met my old neurologist who finally shed some light on what was happening to me.

Initially I was diagnosed with functional Dystonia. A diagnosis that I fought against. I’d been physically abused as a teen by my father and this trauma led doctors down the functional route. Five years later my diagnosis would be changed to Generalised Dystonia. Upon my diagnosis I felt so lost. I’d moved back home, had no independence, lost my career and no one really seemed to know what Dystonia was. I made it my goal to educate myself as much as possible. So I set up this blog and it’s Facebook page as a way of connecting with others who were going through similar experiences, and as a way of raising awareness of the condition. Advocacy has become a great passion of mine.

Over the years more conditions have been diagnosed, such as Classical Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardias Syndrome, Lyme Disease Osteoarthritis and more. I’m surprised I don’t shake with the amount of medication I take. Learning how to manage all these conditions and live a full life has been hard and is still something I am trying to learn to balance. The symptoms and pain I experience in a day change hour to hour, I dislocate multiple times a day, have vocal tics, spasm, etc. It can be a minefield to manage. I’m very lucky that I now have a career as an author with books 7,8 & 9 being published this year, which gives me the freedom to write around my health and my family.

This site has become a diary of sorts. Where I can let out the awful days, whether it’s a physically bad day or an emotional bad one. Or celebrate the triumph’s with you all, which is something I try to do often. It’s a way of processing my conditions in a healthy manner while also raising awareness and supporting others. I find when I need to reflect on how far I’ve come in learning to manage my conditions through medication/physio/wheelchair/splints etc reading back through my past posts is a great aid. I can easily reflect on my progress, and see the milestones that I thought I’d never meet; such as graduation (I studied publishing instead) having children, getting my independence back through my electric wheelchair.

I’ve had this blog for coming up to eleven years now. While I hope I don’t need to add anymore conditions to it, I don’t plan on stopping posting anytime soon. I’m so grateful for the readers and friends I have made through here and for their support. Thank you.

Posted in Archive, January 2018

You’ll learn to deal with the pain

It’s been a long day. I arrived at the walk-in unit before 8 this morning in agony and with an obvious infection in my incision site.A half hour later I was on my way to hospital being sent straight back to the surgical assessment unit, ive since bounced around the wards for a few hours as they are full to the brim.

My incision site has been leaking pus and the pain I have internally can only be described as a scaping and burning sensation. It’s been leaving me in tears unable to move. The member of staff I saw was lovely. Quickly established that I needed my suprapubic catheter changed to a new one due to the infection and did so. Despite the morphine I struggled with the pain.
The reg came to check and make a plan “once the infections gone you’ll learn to adjust to the pain”. A sentence that seems utterly barbaric to utter to a woman shaking in pain, clearly unwell, and whose just expressed the severity of the pain she’s in.

I count my lucky stars for the team member who was in charge of looking after me today. Who could see how much I was struggling and did everything she could for me.

I’m now waiting for a bed on the ward where we can get antibiotics started and try to get my pain under control.

Posted in Archive, January 2018

Overwhelmed But That’s Okay

In my head life after the suprapubic catheter insertion was going to return to normal pretty instantly. I didn’t really factor in healing time (which is prolonged due to my eds), or think much about the lifestyle adjustments I was going to need to make. Typical me really. Full speed ahead mindset with no allowances for my health; you’d think I’d be a dab hand at this by now.

The first 48 hours or so my mindset was pretty good. I was just so relieved to have got through the operation without any major complications and was still dopey from the morphine. Yesterday and today have been a lot harder. The bladder and urethral spasms have been constant, the insertion site has leaked frequently, and the scrapping sensation in my bladder leaves me wanting to remain motionless. I was discharged with very little information on how to care for the catheter or what to expect/, how to manage. Simply we’ll see you in six weeks.

We discovered quite quickly that even my usual clothes were no longer suitable. My leggings which I live in are simply too tight for the bag to go underneath without compressing it. Whilst I could wear the whole system on the outside, I’m not there mentally yet, to brave being out and about with that on show yet is daunting. These probably all seem like trival problems but they add up.

I know once all the pain has settled down and we find a medicine to help with the bladder spasms etc I will feel better about it all. I just wish I had been more informed on what to expect and what to do once I was home. On a more positive note I am so thankful for the support group on Facebook that I found who have been a treasure trove of information for me the last few days. I have ve always found comfort in information so this group has been a saving grace.

Posted in Archive, January 2023

Surgery 1 Done

Well that’s the first surgery of the year done and dusted. After much anxiety over preop appointments falling through, fear of it being cancelled due to arriving on the ward and finding out that surprise surprise I had a temperature, and the team not being overly sure over the best way to handle my misbehaving jaw – to now be recovering on the ward is such a relief.

There had been some back and forth over how they were going to carry out the surgery due to my jaw having the potential to spasm and dislocate which could impact their management. My last surgery went fine until waking up when it dislocated and I needed to be sedated to have it relocated. A situation we all wanted to avoid repeating. One option presented was to have a spinal anaesthesia and be awake. I declined this as my neurology team have always stressed that they don’t want anything invasive being done to my spine due to all my health complications. This disappointed the team here and we chatted about this a few times, as understandably to them this was the safest way to proceed, however I chose to go ahead with the general as my neurologist was always very clear on the matter.

It went really well which is fantastic. They’ve inserted a suprapubic catheter; which is a catheter that is inserted through an incision in my lower abdomen and into a small incision in the bladder. I’ve had bladder issues for about eleven years now but over the last year these got severe. I reached the point in the summer where my bladder just stopped working and I was unable to void anymore. We tried intermittent catheterising but due to my tremors and spasms in my hands along with frequent dislocations in my fingers this was impossible on some days. Over the last few months I’ve ended up in hospital on multiple occasions with UTIs, kidney infections and retention.

When my consultant originally announced this next step I felt quite down. It seemed like such a spiral in health and I was overwhelmed. However I’ve had time to come around to it all and the relief I now feel having had the operation is significant. This should hopefully mean I start feeling much better, infections should stop being a regular occurrence and life should return to its usual level of uniqueness. So I’m embracing my new addition with a happy heart. Now to recover and get well enough for surgery no2 on my jaw.

Posted in Archive, December 2022

Snowballs and Spasms

I have loved snow for as long as I can remember. I’m a winter girl. It lights a spark in me like nothing else. My eyes are forever scanning the grey winter skyline in search of signs of an incoming flurry.

It doesn’t matter that the freezing bite in the air adds another layer of pain to my joints, or the kiss of the snow brings on more spasms. All of that is worth the delight in hearing the crunch of the snow, the fits of laughter of my children as they attempt to stay upright (whilst their dad dramatically falls in the snow), watching as they all run ahead in a cascade of ice, snowballs , giggles and shivers. It brings me such happiness.

Our little exploration may have exhausted me, but it was worth every single moment.