Tag: crying

Posted in Archive, Novemeber 2020

Vulnerability is Strength

Posted on by dystoniaandme

It’s a painsomnia night so I thought I would share with you all something that I’ve been coming back to frequently recently. Personally I’m a very sensitive, emotional person; now some may view that as a bad thing, others a good thing, some of you will be neutral. I can see the pros and cons, but it’s what makes me me, so yes I may cry buckets everytime we watch certain episodes of Vikings, or The Lion King but i’ll also laugh myself to stitches five minutes later. It’s a rollercoaster of life. It’s real, honest and truth.

So why do I, and I know many others with chronic illness will be able to identify with this, go on autopilot everytime a doctor, family member or friend asks after us? You know the drill, you walk into the drs room the doctor greets you and asks how you are before you get down to the nitty gritty. It’s a formality, so like a healthy person you respond with I’m good thanks, and you? It’s ridiculous! Why is it so hard to say you know what I’m actually not great at the moment and I need some help.

I forced myself to do this yesterday. I could hear the usual auto response slipping out my mouth, so I caught myself, took a breath, looked the doctor in the eye and said I’m pretty awful and I don’t know what to do. Now saying that wasn’t easy but boy did the relief for sharing the burden feel good. Making that choice to let the facade of I can cope with everything slip for a moment to ask for help took an incredible amount of inner strength and it’s something I’m going to practice doing more often. Vulnerability is not something to view in a negative light, in fact it allows others to reach out and see if they can improve your situation. Sometimes just talking things over can make a difference.

So just pause for a moment and think; are you like me and guilty of putting walls up? Is it worth flexing your inner strength and letting that vulnerability show? Let me know what you decide to do!

Posted in April 2013, Archive

A glimpse into the consequence of pain

Posted on by dystoniaandme

Normally if you are in pain or need help for some reason, you are able to call out or make a noise/movement to indicate that you need someone to assist you. I cannot always do this and to be honest it terrifies me. It is one of my bodies latest tricks. I class it as one of my Non Epileptic Attacks, even though it does not look like a seizure.

It will start with a spasm somewhere in my body, as usual I will try to ignore it and try not to get wound up. Then, if it is a bad spasm/spasms comes the agony.

Picture this, you are lying on your bed reading, ignoring the searing pain that is consuming your right leg. Suddenly the book falls from in-between your fingers. You frown, there is no spasm in your hands, so why did it fall. You have not realised that your eyebrows never moved when you frowned. You go to reach down to pick up your book, but your arms don’t move. You try to wiggle your fingers, but again they do not move.

Your getting a bit concerned now. Taking a deep calming breath, you order yourself to stay relaxed, there’s no point getting worked up as you know it will do you no good. You decided to lie on your back with your eyes closed, so that you can day-dream peacefully until your body responds better. That’s when you realise that you no longer have control of any part your body. You are stuck on your side, your arms frozen in the position they were holding the book. You cannot move. Your eyes are stinging because they are no longer blinking. Your eyes can only take so much before they spasm upwards due to the pain.

Now you are blind, unable to move and in agony. You try to yell for help, but your lips do not move and no sound comes from your throat. You are locked in your body. Unmoving, making no sound. You can feel the panic levels rising, you try to control your breathing and keep calm, but its hard. The pain from the spasms in your leg and eyes are only getting worse. You want to scream but only silent tears run down your cheeks. You can hear people in the house, they think your fine. No one will know what’s happening unless they come to check on you.

The minutes are slipping past so slowly. You have only your mental voice for company. The panic is getting worse, as is the pain. By now you know that unless someone comes to help you soon, the unconsciousness of a Non Epileptic Seizure will soon engulf you, silencing the one part of you that is still free, your mental voice.

You can feel the unconsciousness creeping up on you as the pain gets worse, its like a slow fog creeping across your brain. You can feel that your state of awareness is slipping away bit by bit. It won’t be long now. You know that there is nothing anybody can do to help you. A small part of you is welcoming the creeping fog, in a sick way it will help.

Its getting hard to think now.

The fog finally consumes you.

That is a glimpse into the latest torture that I put up with. Sometimes the unconsciousness helps, and when I regain consciousness I’m ok, other times this goes on for hours and hours, and it is truly terrifying. It takes severe pain to cause it all, and part of me is now extremely frightened of feeling pain as I know what may come with it. All I can do is hope that each spasm will not be too bad, and if it is bad, try to relax.

The sun is shinning today, and I’m taking that as a good omen for a hopefully pain-free day.