Posted in Archive, July 2024

12 years of Dystonia



Twelve years ago, Dystonia turned my life upside down, marking the beginning of a long and complex journey. Losing one’s health is a challenge that many of us face, but it’s one that few are prepared for. Initially, my mindset was consumed by the desire to “conquer” Dystonia and return to my career as a midwife. This remained my focus for many years. However, more recently, I’ve shifted my perspective to prioritize living a fulfilling life alongside my Dystonia. This shift has not been without its challenges, as I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that some of my previous goals are no longer attainable. Yet, I’ve found this mindset to have helped my mental health

One of the most significant lessons I’ve learned over the past twelve years is the importance of self-advocacy. I’ve grown in confidence in my ability to effectively communicate with medical professionals and educate myself about my condition. This confidence has been crucial in managing my health  I’ve developed a passion for advocating for individuals living with Dystonia and promoting greater awareness about this condition. I believe it’s essential to shed light on the realities of living with a disability and the necessary changes that must be made to create a more inclusive society.

I highly recommend Dystonia UK to anyone seeking advice or information about Dystonia. This charity was a lifeline when I was first diagnosed, and I still frequently utilize their resources today.

Posted in Archive, October 2023

Just Married

Saturday 28th October 2023 we stood in front of our loved ones at our parish church and said I do.

Left to right: my sister Eloise, my husband Damon, myself, my brother Alexander and my sister Chloë

It was an absolutely magical day which I will post about in more detail later in the week. I’d been panicking in the months leading up to the day about my health. After two bouts of sepsis this year alone, my bladder becoming paralysed, gastroparesis, heart complications and more I was worried I wouldn’t make it through.

I talked all this through with our church Father, venue, photographer, families and we brainstormed methods of helping me pace. During the service the church put two chairs out for us to sit on so I wasn’t taxing my body and they told me to stay seated if I needed to even if I should be standing. I kept a stick that I had brought specifically from Neo Walk Sticks, as I loved the clear fizz design, close by for the marriage rite and walking the aisle; these were my goals for the days, and I was thrilled to manage them.

For the rest of the day I used my wheelchair. Dancing the night away in my chair meant that I could spend the night rolling on the dance floor which I could never have done otherwise.

My little girl slept through the service on her uncles lap
Posted in Archive, June 2023

Hospitals & Consent

Over the last few years I’ve not had the best experiences at my local hospital. I’ve gone in incredibly sick and been discharged in a worst state multiple times. It’s got to the point now where I have to know in myself that I can no longer cope at home before I will agree to go.

The other night after spending several hours vomiting uncontrollably, passing blood, and doubled up in pain so severe I was unable to talk through it or focus my partner rang an ambulance. I dislocate multiple times a day and live with organ prolapse, I’m good at handling pain but this was another level of hell.

The ambulance we would end up cancelling as it was several hours away and family could drop me there quicker. I was sat in my chair, throwing up, crying in pain and quite frankly not coping. A few hours into the wait I seized. I don’t remember this. The doctor the next day told me I’d managed to seize out my wheelchair onto the floor, they’d had to scoop me up and get me round to resus.

I can remember throughout the night they attempted multiple times to place a cannula but failed. I desperately needed meds and fluids, and asked for them to use an ultrasound machine and ideally a consultant as my veins are extremely hard to find but also blow very easily due to my Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. This request was ignored and they decided not to administer the fluids or meds I needed. I was there for over 12 hours. Eventually they decided to take blood from an artery by my groin. Again I requested an ultrasound and experienced Dr such as the anaesthetist on call (they are used to my veins and are patient) instead they pressed ahead blindly and painfully.

I’ll delve into this topic another time in more detail but please understand that a disabled person’s medical aids are an extension of themselves. You should never touch them without first gaining consent. While I was in the hospital I had the valve removed from my Cathater. They did not have my consent to do this. They had asked to attach a bag which was fine, I attach bags to the valve all the time. But I would never consent to the removal of the valve as then I would be on free flow which would cause horrific spasms as I have a neurogenic bladder. The valve is the only thing that helps manage these spasms. Yet it was taken off and binned without consent.

I was discharged that morning and handed a few days worth of the same antibiotics I had just finished and sent home. When my partner arrived in resus to collect me the first thing he asked was if I was well enough to go home. I shook my head but said nothing. Within an hour of being home my district nurses were calling another ambulance for me. My temp was 39.5, I couldn’t stop shaking and I was still in agony. There was a four hour wait and with how concerned my team were Damon loaded me back into the car.

This time they listened a bit better. We established that actually my bloods had shown a kidney infection and I needed a completely different set of antibiotics. But was once again sent home. Today I’ve hardly stayed awake. My other half stayed home to look after me and has had to wake me up for my nurses and meds. I’m exhausted, still with the raging temperature and just frustrated.

Posted in Archive, March 2023

Check Engine Light

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions these last few weeks. That’s to be expected I suppose. Gastroparesis and its impact on my Dystonia and other conditions has been yet another life pausing event. Another painful event. Another force outside my control. There’s been a lot of tears in frustration, upset, anger and confusion at just how to manage this new hurdle. I don’t doubt that I can and will adapt. It’s the grief cycle again.

It’s got to the point where the doctors have finally agreed to have the district nurses come to my home three times a day to administer antisickness injections. These are the only antiemetics that I have found of any help. But in typical misbehaving form that my body truly excels in, this has not gone smoothly. I expected some bruising, but I’m now looking a tad black and blue, and bleeding a silly amount each time. It’s worth it to be able to keep my Dystonia and heart medication down though.

I’ve found the pain from the Gastroparesis, on top of my Dystonia has left me exhausted physically and emotionally.I do my best every day. Some days my best may look like nothing. I like to call that energy saving mode. I’m in that mode a lot lately as I’m acknowledging what my body needs. This is hard. Sounds silly I know. But life doesn’t exist for us to function this way. It’s geared up so that the expectation is you fall down, you brush yourself off and carry on. I need to stay down a bit longer.

The best way to describe what I’m trying to say is this. You wouldn’t set out on a long trip with a car that had a check engine light flashing, four flats, a drop of petrol and no oil. You wouldn’t get anywhere, you’d destroy your car. My body is the same thing, it’s out of fuel, every light is flashing and tires are shredded. I need to spend some time working out how to patch me up and that’s ok. It’s allowed. It’s important to remind ourselves of that in a world that is fast paced.

Posted in Archive, January 2018

You’ll learn to deal with the pain

It’s been a long day. I arrived at the walk-in unit before 8 this morning in agony and with an obvious infection in my incision site.A half hour later I was on my way to hospital being sent straight back to the surgical assessment unit, ive since bounced around the wards for a few hours as they are full to the brim.

My incision site has been leaking pus and the pain I have internally can only be described as a scaping and burning sensation. It’s been leaving me in tears unable to move. The member of staff I saw was lovely. Quickly established that I needed my suprapubic catheter changed to a new one due to the infection and did so. Despite the morphine I struggled with the pain.
The reg came to check and make a plan “once the infections gone you’ll learn to adjust to the pain”. A sentence that seems utterly barbaric to utter to a woman shaking in pain, clearly unwell, and whose just expressed the severity of the pain she’s in.

I count my lucky stars for the team member who was in charge of looking after me today. Who could see how much I was struggling and did everything she could for me.

I’m now waiting for a bed on the ward where we can get antibiotics started and try to get my pain under control.

Posted in Archive, January 2018

Overwhelmed But That’s Okay

In my head life after the suprapubic catheter insertion was going to return to normal pretty instantly. I didn’t really factor in healing time (which is prolonged due to my eds), or think much about the lifestyle adjustments I was going to need to make. Typical me really. Full speed ahead mindset with no allowances for my health; you’d think I’d be a dab hand at this by now.

The first 48 hours or so my mindset was pretty good. I was just so relieved to have got through the operation without any major complications and was still dopey from the morphine. Yesterday and today have been a lot harder. The bladder and urethral spasms have been constant, the insertion site has leaked frequently, and the scrapping sensation in my bladder leaves me wanting to remain motionless. I was discharged with very little information on how to care for the catheter or what to expect/, how to manage. Simply we’ll see you in six weeks.

We discovered quite quickly that even my usual clothes were no longer suitable. My leggings which I live in are simply too tight for the bag to go underneath without compressing it. Whilst I could wear the whole system on the outside, I’m not there mentally yet, to brave being out and about with that on show yet is daunting. These probably all seem like trival problems but they add up.

I know once all the pain has settled down and we find a medicine to help with the bladder spasms etc I will feel better about it all. I just wish I had been more informed on what to expect and what to do once I was home. On a more positive note I am so thankful for the support group on Facebook that I found who have been a treasure trove of information for me the last few days. I have ve always found comfort in information so this group has been a saving grace.

Posted in Archive, November 2022

Return to the Hospital

Well I’m back. In the hospital that is. After a short escape and my catheter spectacularly failing I was instructed back to return to the hospital. I was ushered back to the ward and greeted by baymates from the previous day. The nursing staff quickly whipped out the original catheter and placed a larger one in.

Whilst the original one was by no means pleasant, I’d got through the insertion with barely a grimace having been used to catheterising myself daily anyway. This second one was something else. It took several painful attempts to insert, immediately I found myself experiencing a burning sensation that left me in tears and trying not to move so as not to aggravate the sensation. The staff reassured me it should pass.

This morning, after no sleep thanks to pain, the consultant ordered medicine to ease the bladder spasms, assured me it would help and then I’d be discharged. It took 12 hours for the medicine to come to the ward, I’ve only just been given it. I have spent the day begging for relief. The bladder spasms I could deal with, the bypass round the catheter I could deal with, the burning sensation in the urethera? That I couldn’t cope with. The searing relentless sensation frankly overwhelming. After a day being inconsolable the nurses removed it. The relief was immediate. I’ve no idea why it happened when the first one was ok. They are now monitoring to make sure I don’t go back into retention and can cope with intermittent catheterising in the meantime.

The indwelling catheter was meant to be a solution until they could do the op to fit the suprapubic catheter. Hopefully I’ll be able to manage without it until then.

Diagram of Suprapubic catheter
Posted in Archive, November 2022

Fridays Ambulance Call Out

As the early light of Friday morning broke through the damp cover of night I lay in bed counting the minutes until my Drs practice opened. The pain in my lower back had been agony all night and I suspected my ongoing UTI had progressed. After a night of no sleep 8am couldn’t arrive quick enough.

By the time I arrived at my doctor’s for my 11am appointment my temp had hit 40.3c and I was in urinary retention, my heart rate and blood pressure were through the roof. I can vaguely remember being encouraged out of my wheelchair chair and onto the bed whilst they phoned an ambulance. Shivering with fever chills, and desperately tired. Three hours later I was in the back of an ambulance on my way to the hospital.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen A&E so busy. The staff were amazing and after quickly establishing my veins were playing hide and collapse they had an ultrasound out to guide them. They hooked me straight up to antibiotics for an upper kidney infection and told me urology would make me a plan.

Waiting for ward rounds

Saturday morning three burly Urology consultants appeared at the end of my bed. “What would you like us to do?” The question caught me offguard. I’m rather used to staying quiet and listening so as not insult god complexes, or putting my thoughts across in a tonned down manner. When I explained I’d be happy to be guided by them, it was really refreshing as they took the moment to explain my options. I could that day under local anesthesia have a suprapubic catheter put in: this would involve a small incision in the tummy allowing them to put the catheter through and to the bladder. Alternatively I could have an indwelling urethera catheter and go home, to come back at a later to have the suprapubic catheter put in under a general. I chose the latter option giving them a brief explanation about my Ehlers-Danlos and how due to EDS you can pump me full of local but I’ll still feel everything. They happily accepted my decision .

Back in 2019 whilst pregnant with my daughter I’d agreed to surgery where they attempted to remove a large suspicious mole from my breast without pain relief or sedation due to the pregnancy. The local failed. I felt every cut. The team did their best to distract me but the whole thing was traumatic. I made the decision at the time to not put myself back in that situation ever again. So even though the suprapubic catheter is meant to be better long term I’m happy to wait a few extra days/weeks for it if it means they can put me under.

So why has this all happened? My guess is that it’s down to the Ehlers-Danlos. My bladder has been dodgy for well over a decade, it’s just recently sped up in its decline. I’m feeling a little emotionally up and down, frustrated mainly but I think it’s healthy to acknowledge that. I know this will all feel normal soon.

*On a side note if you use catheters and have any tips on making it more comfortable please get in touch!

Posted in Archive, November 2022

Declining Health

“It’s your choice. Do you want to keep trying to cope with the pain at home, or I can send you up to the hospital?” I sat opposite my doctor, wanting to explode. Not at them. My doctor has gone all out over the last month trying to help me. I’m on week four/five of an infection which has in turn irritated my usual spasms, my pelvic prolapse which has been a problem for 3 years (and I’m still waiting to see the specialist) is causing its own issues, and I now have to self-catheterize daily. Hospital admission is tempting, but the local hospital isn’t that great with rare conditions, and someone needs to be here for the kids. I decided to remain home, where I know my meds wouldn’t be messed with and I could use heat therapy and a TENS machine too.

Week four going into week five of antibiotics

It’s something that I’m struggling with quite a lot at the moment, the sensation that my body is deteriorating at a rapid rate again. It goes through phases of this, its part and parcel of having multiple chronic conditions. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier though. I recently made the decision to start having therapy again; struggling to accept new declines in my health is something I’m making sure to discuss.

My decline in health at the moment is mainly due to my Ehlers-Danlos, however my Dystonia is impacting this too. Ever tried using a catheter with hands that tremor? It’s by no means easy! I’ve not got a Botox date yet with the new hospital but I’m hoping they maybe willing to try injecting my hands so as to make this whole process a bit easier.

Posted in Archive, November 2022

First Neurology Appointment

The nerves leading up to today’s appointment had been doubling with each sunrise. I was dreading meeting my new neurologist. After a decade under the care of Prof Wonderful, and have met more than a handful of neurologists with severe god complexes before I wasn’t feeling very optimistic. Whilst I knew that it was ridiculous to tarnish all neurologists with the same brush, I had met multiple neuro’s from this particular hospital before who had awful bedside manners. Previously they had refused to take me on as patient as they had deemed me too complicated at my first appointment. The second time they met me my symptoms were brushed under the rug with a quick “ah it’s most likely a side effect of your Ehlers Danlos” but didn’t run any tests to back this up. So I was hesitant to say the least, and that I would once again be swept under the rug.

The appointment had come rather suddenly as an opening slot had become available via their virtual neurology clinic. Whilst it meant that I still wouldn’t get my botox, it would at least mean that my foot would be in the door, my name on their patient list, which feels like a positive step forwards after several months of floating around in the neurology space waiting to be allocated to a hospital.

I was pleasantly surprised by the neurologist who met with me. He was open about his retirement plans and understood my wishes for continuity of care due to the complex nature of my health. It was agreed that I would be assigned to a different neurologist, whose specialism was Dystonia, he reassured me he would book me into the botox clinic as soon a space became available. I had expected there to be an issue when I brought up the frequency of my injections (6 weekly) as this is quite a small gap between treatments than what most prescribe. His understanding of the matter was not one I’d been met with before. Normally I have to really battle to get my Drs to understand that this treatment regime was one created out of necessity to keep me out of the hospital due to the severity of my Oromandibular Dystonia.

We had had a brief chat over where we felt my treatment needed to be going moving forwards as whilst the majority of my body is fairly well controlled my jaw is feeling much like a losing battle. I still have a lot of baby teeth as I don’t have the adult teeth for them in my mouth, which at almost 30 I’m pretty happy their still in place! However several are now painful and wobbly due to the battering they have received from my tremors, spasms, and dislocations. We know from previous experiences there is no point in wiring the jaw shut as the spasms are strong enough to break the wires, but further intervention in some form is needed. We briefly discussed today playing around further with the EMG machine to see if that can pinpoint better the areas needed to be injected and some surgeries we can try. These though will obviously be needed to be discussed again in greater detail face to-face.

Overall it was a very positive appointment. I’m still devastated not to be under my old neurologist, he really helped me not only accept my conditions but also reign myself back in when I needed it. He helped me to adapt to my new life and for that, I will be forever grateful.