Posted in Archive, march 2024, September

Look Beyond The Wheelchair

The wheelchair often becomes the point of attention when people first meet me. I often get met with “What happened to you?” or “But you’re so young!”. Questions that are meant with no malice I know. Society has ingrained in many the perception that the wheelchair is one of the defining symbols of disability. However, if we were to literally remove my wheelchair from the picture, would you still be able to perceive any indicators of my disability?

Rebecca, a white woman with her hair tied up, gazes off to the side in a black and white snapshot.

When we remove my wheelchair rather literally from the picture, it becomes almost imposibile to recogize any of my conditions. Their lack of visibility does not however make them any less real. Society, as we have seen repeatedly, tends to validate only those disabilities in which it can ‘prove’ the condition/the condition is visible. This is extremely problematic as only a small percentage of the disabled population are classed as having a ‘visible disability’.

Using myself as an example, I live with organ prolapse, I’m reliant on a suprapubic catheter, I experience extreme levels of chronic pain, I have PTSD, Dyspraxia,  find too much visual stimuli brings on migraines and numerous other conditions that are not immediately obvious. These symptoms can impact  day-to-day functioning, and when combined, they can be truly debilitating. Creating a more accessible world would greatly enhance the lives of those with disabilities. This would involve not only providing wheelchair access but also increasing the availability of disabled-friendly facilities, raising awareness among retail staff about the various challenges customers may face e.g visual, auditory, sensory difficulties etc and working to create an inclusive environment of understanding and patience.

It’s vital to recognize that disability is unique to every individual and illness. It’s a sliding scale in which each person moves in accordance with their changing conditions and the factors that are impacting them that day. It’s a vast scale; we need to refrain from reducing people and their disabilities to simple tickboxs.

Posted in Archive, January 2023

An Open Response to Sajid Javid

When I stumbled across the article in the Guardian during the early hours of Saturday morning I was horror struck. “Sajid Javid calls for patients to pay for GP and A&E visits” the bold headline all but shouted. The fear that boiled up instantly is one I imagine Sajid Javid is not familiar with. Fear of what might happen to you if you cannot access the medical help you need. A familiar fear. Rumours have circled for years that the Conservative government wants the NHS to fail so they justify privatising it. It’s a statement we’ve all heard, and although it’s one I’ve always dismissed as a rumour it’s still brought that stomach churning fear with it.

Could I afford my life changing treatment if it was private? No. Would I be able to afford my almost weekly GP appointments,a necessity to lower my hospital admissions? No. Would I be able to afford my multiple monthly A&E trips for my regular dislocations/spasms/seizures/etc? Nope. Not a chance. Would I have a hope of affording inpatient care – I was admitted twice in November, once in December, and twice more in January. There isn’t a flying monkey of a chance. That’s before we factor in operation costs, ambulances, outpatient appointments etc. It’s a terrifying prospect.

I’ve experienced life without my regular injections and daily meditations, I end up hospitalised on a feeding tube, blind due to eyes spasms, body twisted in spasm and jaw dislocated. It’s hell. It’s an experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Yet it’s what I would live with if dismantling our NHS happens.

Yes right now Sajid is only talking about GP and A&E fees. But once we allow the government to open that door will we be able to prevent a tidal wave of change from crashing through? For many just those two charges would be too much at a time where we already have people relying on public warm spots due to the cost of living crisis. I feel his suggestion will simply limit access to our incredible NHS, further isolating the vulnerable and the disabled.

Posted in Archive, January 2023

Dysfunctionally Me – A Reintroduction

I’ve had some new followers to this blog and it’s accompanying Facebook page recently, some of whom have been curious as to what on earth is wrong with me; after all the name implies Dystonia but a multitude of conditions get discussed. It’s a good question. So I thought I’d take a moment to write a short post reintroducing myself to you all.

I started this blog back in September 2012 after my life felt like it had been turned upside down. I’d been training as a midwife at Anglia Ruskin University Chelmsford and felt as if I was living my calling. However I was plagued by ailing health that got more and more severe.

I had to go on medical leave at the end of my first year. Despite my determination I would never return to midwifery, which to this day still breaks my heart. My body was no longer my own. I was wracked with spasms, needing a wheelchair to get about, I couldn’t even feed myself. It took months going from doctor to doctor, hospital to hospital, ambulance after ambulance until we finally met my old neurologist who finally shed some light on what was happening to me.

Initially I was diagnosed with functional Dystonia. A diagnosis that I fought against. I’d been physically abused as a teen by my father and this trauma led doctors down the functional route. Five years later my diagnosis would be changed to Generalised Dystonia. Upon my diagnosis I felt so lost. I’d moved back home, had no independence, lost my career and no one really seemed to know what Dystonia was. I made it my goal to educate myself as much as possible. So I set up this blog and it’s Facebook page as a way of connecting with others who were going through similar experiences, and as a way of raising awareness of the condition. Advocacy has become a great passion of mine.

Over the years more conditions have been diagnosed, such as Classical Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardias Syndrome, Lyme Disease Osteoarthritis and more. I’m surprised I don’t shake with the amount of medication I take. Learning how to manage all these conditions and live a full life has been hard and is still something I am trying to learn to balance. The symptoms and pain I experience in a day change hour to hour, I dislocate multiple times a day, have vocal tics, spasm, etc. It can be a minefield to manage. I’m very lucky that I now have a career as an author with books 7,8 & 9 being published this year, which gives me the freedom to write around my health and my family.

This site has become a diary of sorts. Where I can let out the awful days, whether it’s a physically bad day or an emotional bad one. Or celebrate the triumph’s with you all, which is something I try to do often. It’s a way of processing my conditions in a healthy manner while also raising awareness and supporting others. I find when I need to reflect on how far I’ve come in learning to manage my conditions through medication/physio/wheelchair/splints etc reading back through my past posts is a great aid. I can easily reflect on my progress, and see the milestones that I thought I’d never meet; such as graduation (I studied publishing instead) having children, getting my independence back through my electric wheelchair.

I’ve had this blog for coming up to eleven years now. While I hope I don’t need to add anymore conditions to it, I don’t plan on stopping posting anytime soon. I’m so grateful for the readers and friends I have made through here and for their support. Thank you.

Posted in Archive, January 2018

You’ll learn to deal with the pain

It’s been a long day. I arrived at the walk-in unit before 8 this morning in agony and with an obvious infection in my incision site.A half hour later I was on my way to hospital being sent straight back to the surgical assessment unit, ive since bounced around the wards for a few hours as they are full to the brim.

My incision site has been leaking pus and the pain I have internally can only be described as a scaping and burning sensation. It’s been leaving me in tears unable to move. The member of staff I saw was lovely. Quickly established that I needed my suprapubic catheter changed to a new one due to the infection and did so. Despite the morphine I struggled with the pain.
The reg came to check and make a plan “once the infections gone you’ll learn to adjust to the pain”. A sentence that seems utterly barbaric to utter to a woman shaking in pain, clearly unwell, and whose just expressed the severity of the pain she’s in.

I count my lucky stars for the team member who was in charge of looking after me today. Who could see how much I was struggling and did everything she could for me.

I’m now waiting for a bed on the ward where we can get antibiotics started and try to get my pain under control.

Posted in Archive, January 2023

Surgery 1 Done

Well that’s the first surgery of the year done and dusted. After much anxiety over preop appointments falling through, fear of it being cancelled due to arriving on the ward and finding out that surprise surprise I had a temperature, and the team not being overly sure over the best way to handle my misbehaving jaw – to now be recovering on the ward is such a relief.

There had been some back and forth over how they were going to carry out the surgery due to my jaw having the potential to spasm and dislocate which could impact their management. My last surgery went fine until waking up when it dislocated and I needed to be sedated to have it relocated. A situation we all wanted to avoid repeating. One option presented was to have a spinal anaesthesia and be awake. I declined this as my neurology team have always stressed that they don’t want anything invasive being done to my spine due to all my health complications. This disappointed the team here and we chatted about this a few times, as understandably to them this was the safest way to proceed, however I chose to go ahead with the general as my neurologist was always very clear on the matter.

It went really well which is fantastic. They’ve inserted a suprapubic catheter; which is a catheter that is inserted through an incision in my lower abdomen and into a small incision in the bladder. I’ve had bladder issues for about eleven years now but over the last year these got severe. I reached the point in the summer where my bladder just stopped working and I was unable to void anymore. We tried intermittent catheterising but due to my tremors and spasms in my hands along with frequent dislocations in my fingers this was impossible on some days. Over the last few months I’ve ended up in hospital on multiple occasions with UTIs, kidney infections and retention.

When my consultant originally announced this next step I felt quite down. It seemed like such a spiral in health and I was overwhelmed. However I’ve had time to come around to it all and the relief I now feel having had the operation is significant. This should hopefully mean I start feeling much better, infections should stop being a regular occurrence and life should return to its usual level of uniqueness. So I’m embracing my new addition with a happy heart. Now to recover and get well enough for surgery no2 on my jaw.

Posted in Archive, December 2022

Snowballs and Spasms

I have loved snow for as long as I can remember. I’m a winter girl. It lights a spark in me like nothing else. My eyes are forever scanning the grey winter skyline in search of signs of an incoming flurry.

It doesn’t matter that the freezing bite in the air adds another layer of pain to my joints, or the kiss of the snow brings on more spasms. All of that is worth the delight in hearing the crunch of the snow, the fits of laughter of my children as they attempt to stay upright (whilst their dad dramatically falls in the snow), watching as they all run ahead in a cascade of ice, snowballs , giggles and shivers. It brings me such happiness.

Our little exploration may have exhausted me, but it was worth every single moment.

Posted in Archive, November 2022

Return to the Hospital

Well I’m back. In the hospital that is. After a short escape and my catheter spectacularly failing I was instructed back to return to the hospital. I was ushered back to the ward and greeted by baymates from the previous day. The nursing staff quickly whipped out the original catheter and placed a larger one in.

Whilst the original one was by no means pleasant, I’d got through the insertion with barely a grimace having been used to catheterising myself daily anyway. This second one was something else. It took several painful attempts to insert, immediately I found myself experiencing a burning sensation that left me in tears and trying not to move so as not to aggravate the sensation. The staff reassured me it should pass.

This morning, after no sleep thanks to pain, the consultant ordered medicine to ease the bladder spasms, assured me it would help and then I’d be discharged. It took 12 hours for the medicine to come to the ward, I’ve only just been given it. I have spent the day begging for relief. The bladder spasms I could deal with, the bypass round the catheter I could deal with, the burning sensation in the urethera? That I couldn’t cope with. The searing relentless sensation frankly overwhelming. After a day being inconsolable the nurses removed it. The relief was immediate. I’ve no idea why it happened when the first one was ok. They are now monitoring to make sure I don’t go back into retention and can cope with intermittent catheterising in the meantime.

The indwelling catheter was meant to be a solution until they could do the op to fit the suprapubic catheter. Hopefully I’ll be able to manage without it until then.

Diagram of Suprapubic catheter
Posted in Archive, November 2022

First Neurology Appointment

The nerves leading up to today’s appointment had been doubling with each sunrise. I was dreading meeting my new neurologist. After a decade under the care of Prof Wonderful, and have met more than a handful of neurologists with severe god complexes before I wasn’t feeling very optimistic. Whilst I knew that it was ridiculous to tarnish all neurologists with the same brush, I had met multiple neuro’s from this particular hospital before who had awful bedside manners. Previously they had refused to take me on as patient as they had deemed me too complicated at my first appointment. The second time they met me my symptoms were brushed under the rug with a quick “ah it’s most likely a side effect of your Ehlers Danlos” but didn’t run any tests to back this up. So I was hesitant to say the least, and that I would once again be swept under the rug.

The appointment had come rather suddenly as an opening slot had become available via their virtual neurology clinic. Whilst it meant that I still wouldn’t get my botox, it would at least mean that my foot would be in the door, my name on their patient list, which feels like a positive step forwards after several months of floating around in the neurology space waiting to be allocated to a hospital.

I was pleasantly surprised by the neurologist who met with me. He was open about his retirement plans and understood my wishes for continuity of care due to the complex nature of my health. It was agreed that I would be assigned to a different neurologist, whose specialism was Dystonia, he reassured me he would book me into the botox clinic as soon a space became available. I had expected there to be an issue when I brought up the frequency of my injections (6 weekly) as this is quite a small gap between treatments than what most prescribe. His understanding of the matter was not one I’d been met with before. Normally I have to really battle to get my Drs to understand that this treatment regime was one created out of necessity to keep me out of the hospital due to the severity of my Oromandibular Dystonia.

We had had a brief chat over where we felt my treatment needed to be going moving forwards as whilst the majority of my body is fairly well controlled my jaw is feeling much like a losing battle. I still have a lot of baby teeth as I don’t have the adult teeth for them in my mouth, which at almost 30 I’m pretty happy their still in place! However several are now painful and wobbly due to the battering they have received from my tremors, spasms, and dislocations. We know from previous experiences there is no point in wiring the jaw shut as the spasms are strong enough to break the wires, but further intervention in some form is needed. We briefly discussed today playing around further with the EMG machine to see if that can pinpoint better the areas needed to be injected and some surgeries we can try. These though will obviously be needed to be discussed again in greater detail face to-face.

Overall it was a very positive appointment. I’m still devastated not to be under my old neurologist, he really helped me not only accept my conditions but also reign myself back in when I needed it. He helped me to adapt to my new life and for that, I will be forever grateful.

Posted in Archive, COVID-19, february 2021

The Positive To Lockdown With Chronic Illness

Chronic Illness in Lockdown memes

Whilst the multiple national lockdowns have come with there fair share of complications, for example cancelled treatments, the stay at home message has been a blessing in disguise for me. My body has been going through a decline/more frequent dislocations lately, which is less than an ideal. Now prepandemic I would have ignored my bodies pain signals, and ploughed through the day. A bad cycle, and habit that I had formed. Only collapsing in the evening, spoonless, in pain and annoyed at myself. Lockdown has relieved the social pressure to attended multiple groups a week, and be on the go all the time. For my particular lot of chronic illnesses it’s meant I have rested when I have needed to. I’ve had the opportunity to relearn my bodies distress signals.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not literally doing the above meme, though it has its appeals. But it has removed the guilt I felt on slow mornings when we watched a Disney film and had a slow start to the day, rather than rushing about. I still finish the day with no spoons. That is just life with chronic illnesses. However I rarely exhaust myself to the point that I have impacted the next day, which prelockdown was a frequent occurance.

Post-lockdown this is something I need to remember; that it is perfectly fine to acknowledge if my body is saying no not today. We can watch films, craft and bake in the house instead and have a lovely day. Just being kind to my body more often will allow more days out and in the long run that’s what works.

Posted in Archive, January 2021

Welcome to 2021

2021 has arrived! We rang the new year in a quiet manner, a nice drink, a dislocated thumb and an early night after realising we were out of bandages (and spasms were forcing my thumb to remain out). I hope all of you had a lovely NYE and are healthy and safe at the start of this new year.

So what does 2021 hold in store for me?

As you may know from my facebook page I have set up my own holistic health coaching business which is designed to help people who are disabled/dealing with invisible illnesses. Holistic Health coaching is a partnership that will empower them, pin point problematic areas and find realistic tools to help improve quality of life, improve pain management, mental health wellbeing, and more.

Business logo. Purple background with line drawing hand palm up open with branch and stars. Words saying Dystonia & Me Holistic Health Coach.
Dystonia & Me Holistic Health Coach

Enabling others to improve their quality of life is a passion of mine. My own struggles in that area, along with fighting for help with mental health, pacing advice and more stuck me as how much holistic health coaches are needed. I know that I could have benefited greatly from one in the beginning. I look forward now to helping others, for anyone interested you can contact me here https://www.facebook.com/DystoniaandMeCoaching/