Tag: pain

Posted in Archive, February

Benedict’s revenge

Posted on by dystoniaandme

I have had a rather busy and sociable week. It has been completely brilliant and was a slight taste of ‘normality’ for me. Normality and independence are something that I desperately cling to, as I refuse to give in to Benedict’s attempts to seize control and conquer my body. However, when you have Dystonia a busy day is enough to exhaust you, so a busy week was perhaps a step to far. I still think this week was so worth the last few days of Dystonic  antics though!

Benedict, my little unwelcome Dystonia alien, decided to start playing up on Friday night. My right hand/arm had gone into a spasm, and started to tremor, my head also had a tremor going on that looked like I was shaking my head to say no very fast, and my back decided to bend backwards, in an attempt to fold me in half. As you can imagine this was extremely painful and rather distressing.

Then last night my leg decided to spasm. Now normally I can just about control my emotions when my Dystonia plays up. Usually it is only a few choice colourful words that escape beyond my spasming lips. However this particular leg spasm was agony, and had me in floods of tears due to the pain. Then my arm decided to join in. By this point I was extremely upset, and rather angry at myself for giving in and letting out my emotional response to the spasm. Yet they do say that a cry now and then is healthy, so perhaps I actually did myself a favour.

Today was also eventful. Even though the day was relaxed, we just sat quietly at home, as my grandparents and my man were visiting, my body still deemed it necessary to act up. I can only presume that the many activities I have done this week had triggered the hideous spasms I have experienced over the last 48-72 hours. I woke up at 5:30 am this morning to my arm spasming and my head doing its no no tremor. Then my leg put up a big fuss when I attempted to get dressed. Through-out today my arm/hand has been having spasms and tremors often and violently. At one point I honestly though that if the spasm carried on for much longer then my shoulder would end up dislocated – thankfully it eventually ceased. At other moments in time the tremor in my arm was so violent that I ended up hitting me sister.

I have currently given in to the spasms and pain, and retreated to the quietness of my room. However I have not come here to dwell on the problematic issues that Dystonia causes. I have returned to my room, to relish in the memories of the week, to mentally high five myself for the accomplishments I have made and to look forward to the days ahead. I cannot wait for tomorrow afternoon to have a consultation with a personal trainer that I hope to work with. The beauty of having Dystonia is that you know that even on bad days that things can only get better! There is so much to look forward to!!!!

Posted in Archive, February

Benedict’s Obstacle Course.

Posted on by dystoniaandme

 Imagine this: You wake up in the morning, your eyelids open but you can see nothing due to a spasm pulling your eyes back. You massarge around your eyes blinking violently, trying to beat the first obstacle of the day. Suddenly your sight is back! You celebrate silently, not wanting Benedict to realise you have won, in-case he wants to take revenge. Next you decide to dress quickly before he wakes up and realises what you are doing. You have your top half done, and one leg in your jeans, when suddenly Benedict strikes! Your right leg contorts, as if it’s trying to physically turn backwards, meanwhile your foot has turned under and is dragging along the floor. You stop, take a deep breath, and then start attacking your own leg. Desperately trying to get your jeans over it.

Bang! Your hurried attempts have caused you to fall backwards on to your bed. However you keep on wrestling with your leg until finally you have won. You are officially dressed. You look in the mirror, do you dare attempt to tame your hair and do your make up? With a quick glance at the clock, you decide to attempt to do it. Nervously you brush through your hair, and quickly put it up in a simple pony tail. Relief sweeps through your body. Now on to the make up. Your doing well, almost done. Then, suddenly, pain sears through your eye. Your right hand, which is holding the mascara brush, has spasmed, causing the brush to go straight into your eye.

It has now been two hours since you got up. You have finally managed to get dressed, with hair and most your make up done. Now you need to get through to the living room, so you can grab your bag. Splinting your right hand up first, so as to contain any more unwanted spasms, you slip your arms through your crutches and hop out your room into the hall way. You glance down at the shoes and bags scattered around on the floor like a minefield, and hop around them. Careful not to misplace a crutch or slip.

Now you have reached the penultimate hurdle. You squeeze yourself past the sofa and clothes horse into the living room. Reaching down you pick up your handbag, and swing it over your shoulder. You give yourself a satisfactory smile. You are beating Benedict’s obstacle course so far. You start hopping forwards. You go to squeeze back through the gab between the sofa and the clothes horse…when your right knee collides with the end of the sofa. The knock immediately triggers a spasm. Your leg is twisting side ways and upwards. Pain is taking over. Your balance is now lost. You haphazardly try to place your crutches in a position that will stabilise you. It is a losing battle. You fall backwards onto the other sofa that is just behind you.

After the spasm has calmed down, you decide to take on the final hurdle. This time you choose to leave the crutches behind. Hoping that it will enable you to pass through the dangerous gap between the sofa and clothes horse with ease. You jump up onto your good leg. Keeping your right one off the floor, bent slightly. With arms whirling round widely to prevent you from falling, you hop successfully past the sofa and back into the hallway. You have finally reached the front door! You do not have much further to go. You link your arm round a family member for support and hop out the door. In front of you lies three large steps. Each one looks like a mountain. It fills you with dread. Half of you wants to turn back around, go back to bed and claim defeat. However you hold your ground and preserver, refusing to give in to the evil Dystonia alien, Benedict. You bend your good knee, and cling to the railing with your working/free arm and hop up the huge steps.

You have finally reached your goal. You have reached the car that is waiting to take you to your doctor’s appointment. For the mean time, you have beaten Benedict the Dystonia alien.

Welcome to my life!

 

Posted in Archive, February

It is just the beginning…

Posted on by dystoniaandme

I found this picture earlier on today, and felt that it would be appropriate to share it with you all. Yesterday I was rather down in the dumps due to having a bug for a few days and my Dystonia was playing up big time, then I got emotional about all the changes it had made to my life. This picture really got me thinking about the situation I have found myself in.

Dystonia is life changing! I am just at the beginning of a life long road and it is going to take time to adjust to everything. However just because parts of my life are no longer the same does not mean that it is all over and that it is time to give up. I need to recognise and accept that I am going to have down days now and then, where I grieve for the parts of my life I have no longer have. Yet at the same time I need to recognise the amazing things that have happened to me since the Dystonia hit me, such as the people I am in touch with, going back to riding, etc. If I did not have Dystonia then I would not have set myself a new life goal, I would never have even thought about aiming to compete at the Paralympics, but now that is something I strive to do.

It is going to be a long journey, and the beginning is always the hardest part, but you never know what is waiting for you round the corner. You only live once, you need to make the most of what you have!

 

Posted in Archive, February

Blunt, Honest, Emotion.

Posted on by dystoniaandme

When I started this blog, one of my many aims was to bring light to the suffering Dystonia causes by being as open and honest as possible.

On days like today when I am tired, ill, in pain and really emotional, I cannot deal with Dystonia!! I hate it! I am angry! I am fed up! I am so physically and emotionally drained from dealing with it and I don’t want to deal with it any

 

Posted in Archive, January

Yesterdays R.D.A Lesson & Support group

Posted on by dystoniaandme

Yesterday I had a lesson booked with the R.D.A, I was a bit nervous about this due to the new tremor in my leg. I had emailed my instructor in advance to let her know that it may be slightly more difficult than usual to get me on. Her reply made me grin “Tremor or no tremor, we will give it our best shot”! She stuck true to her words, they gave it their best shot and managed to get me on! I hopped up the mounting block, then with my arms round two volunteers shoulders they lifted me up on to Connie so that I was sitting side saddle, I then swung my Dystonic leg over Connie’s neck and slid my feet into the stirrups.

After about a minute of having my feet in the stirrups my right leg decided to spasm, it shot out sideways and upwards. The volunteers and my instructors remained very calm and Connie did not even notice. Thankfully it was not a long spasm, once it had passed we agreed that until my leg had settled down completely, I would ride without the stirrups. I was completely fine with this, and happily rode round without them. After a while, when I was certain it was OK to risk putting my feet back in stirrups, I did so, this time my body did not react.

My riding instructor does fantastic lessons, and I was allowed to do a lot more trotting this time. We did trotting in general, trotted in and out of cones and over poles, it was complete heaven! The three volunteers that stayed beside me, kept saying that you would never know I was disabled if you watched me ride, as I sat so well and had good control. I must admit them saying this really made my day! I have to have three people around me at the moment when I ride, due to my Non Epileptic Seizures, as I only had my last one a few weeks ago, so we have to play it safe.

I cannot put into words that happiness that riding gives me. I literally sit and grin the whole time I am riding, taking in every magical second of it! I cannot wait until next weeks lesson!

Last night I also attended my support/research group. I love these meetings, they are so mad and positive that I just there and smile. Despite both my leg and arm playing up whilst I was there, I had a fantastic time. The group is extremely supportive and I find that the different methods we are taught for coping with pain are extremely helpful.

Overall yesterday was an absolutely brilliant day. It was so worth the aches I have today. Despite the aches, if you put a horse in front of me now, I would still try and get on!

 

Posted in Archive, January

A Bit Of Retail Therapy!

Posted on by dystoniaandme

Today has been the highlight of my week and has distracted me from the new issues with my leg. My mum and step-dad took me out clothes shopping, which meant that I also got to push myself in my new wheelchair!  I knew that trying on clothes and pushing myself would be exhausting, so I made sure that I paid extra attention to my right hand, so that I did not do too much and cause it to spasm.

All in all  it was a rather successful day out! I managed to get some jeans and some lovely new tops, and I managed to push myself for longer than I had expected. From time to time my mum did have to remind me not to over do, I think I got a bit carried away with having some independence 🙂 In total I think I managed to push myself for about 40 mins!!!! This was a lot longer than I had expected. When I went out in my chair briefly the other day, I only managed about 20 mins, so this was a huge improvement!! It was a tiring but fantastic day!

I am going to go and see my Doctor this week, and see if he can suggest any medication that will help with the tremor in my right leg and talk about my ideas with him, and get his views on it all. I am also going to write an email to my consultant explaining to him the change in my leg and how it is affecting me and getting his advice on what to do about it, I shall also inform him of my ideas for treating my leg and get his opinion on that as well.

Today was exactly what I needed, some laughter, retail therapy and some independence. It helped me refocus my mind on everything, and see that although my leg is bad and making things really rather difficult, it is not the end of the world. I can still go out and laugh and shop like anyone else, the only difference is that I get to sit on a comfy cushion and attempt to tone my arms by pushing myself along at the same time!

Posted in Archive, January

Wibbly Wobbly leg

Posted on by dystoniaandme

Since my last post my ability to move around has deteriorated rapidly! The shake/tremor in leg has become extremely violent and my leg feels like its made of jelly. The force of the tremor physically shakes the upper parts of my body as I try to hobble about. I have never had a sense of balance, so you can imagine how hard I am finding it to stay upright, when my leg is shaking me to the point that I would fall if I was not being held up. This tremor has made my knee extremely painful, the other night the pain was so excruciating that I ended up having a Non Epileptic Seizure.

I am trying to work out whether this tremor is a new development to my leg or if it is a development of a Dystonic movement that was already happening. You see, often when my leg goes into spasm, as the spasm is about to go, my right leg would shake like mad. The way I always thought of it was that my leg was shaking away the spasm, this sounds silly but it was a comforting thought, these tremors would last from to seconds to a good couple of minutes. I think it is likely that this new issue is simply a development of the previous tremor, as Dystonic movements do develop (get worse).

However this creates a whole new ball game. I know that with Dystonia, you cannot really forward think, as you never know what will happen from one day to the next. Nevertheless I find myself having to think forward, as I like to have some sort of plan in place. After speaking to someone with similar leg problems to myself and hearing what they do to manage their symptoms, I have had an idea which I would like to discuss with my doctor. I want to put across to him the idea of getting a knee or leg brace. I have previously used a splint for my hand spasms and I found this very helpful in containing the spasms and most of the time it prevented the spasms from getting too extreme. As this worked well for my hand, I think it would make perfect sense to try out on my leg.

I shall of course listen and take on board anything my doctor suggests, I presume he shall offer me some sort of muscle relaxant to help, and I shall happily do/try whatever he wants me to. However I think I shall really press this idea. After looking into it more, I have read about a number of people who have tried knee or leg braces and found that they had good experiences with them. I plan on waiting a few more days before I go to my doctor. I had originally planned on waiting two weeks before I went but I don’t think I can deal with the pain the tremor is causing for that long. The reason for waiting is so that I can go and say, this has been happening, I believe it is a development of a previous movement, its been having for X many days and this is what I want to suggest. For me, I think this is the right approach to take with my doctor.

Who knows what will happen, I can only hope that he decides to give my idea a go! Until then I am going to avoid moving around as much as possible, so that I do not cause myself any more pain!

 

Posted in Archive, January

A subtle Reminder

Posted on by dystoniaandme

 Today I decided to have a nice long hot bath, as I felt like I had been run over by a truck repeatedly . After managing to bottom bump up the stairs, it was heavenly to be able to relax in the bath. I cannot describe how blissful it was to let my muscles relax in the heat. However it turned out that the relaxation was not to last. Without thinking I poured the shower gel onto my right hand. Immediately my right hand and arm went into a rather painful spasm.

This was rather disappointing, as for the last few weeks my arm and hand have actually behaved rather well (as long as I am not cold), and I had reached a stage where I was not to worried about it if I was indoors. The only reason for my arm and hand going into spasm, which I can think of, is that the coldness of the shower gel on my hand, in comparison to the heat of the bath, set of the Dystonic reaction.

This seemed to then set the tone for the rest of the day. I attempted to get on with the day and relax, however my little Dystonia alien seemed to have other ideas. My leg over the whole day has played up, so I have tried to avoid using it as much as possible. During dinner my arm and hand again went into spasm, after I attempted to pick up my spoon with my right hand. This spasm then went on to last a good 40 or so minutes before relaxing.

However I am trying to think positively as this is the first time in awhile that my right arm and hand have played up. This is a reassuring thought, so I am not panicking to much. Today has reminded me that I cannot take the days when bits of my body behave for granted! I need to value each day of peace, as there is no way of knowing what will happen one day to the next!

 

Posted in Archive, January

My first RDA Lesson

Posted on by dystoniaandme

There are no words to describe just how over-joyed I was yesterday. It was a day of sheer bliss!  Yesterday I had my first R.D.A (Riding for the disabled association) lesson. It had been 5 years since I had last ridden (when I was able-bodied), and I was desperate to get back on a horse! I must say that the volunteers who run the group are amazing! They are such caring, upbeat people and it is such a vibrant environment! You could not ask for a more helpful or nicer bunch of people.

As I am in a wheelchair, the volunteers had to be slightly inventive, as I could not mount a horse in the typical way. Instead, once I was on the mounting block, two of the volunteers lifted me by my knees, up on to the horse, so that I was sitting side-saddle. I then had to swing my Dystonic leg over the horse’s neck, so that I was sitting correctly. I was thrilled that I had managed to get on!!!! As I knew there was a very good chance that I may not be able to.

I then had 3 volunteers stay by my side throughout the lesson. So that if for some reason my dystonia played up or if I had a seizure, they would be able to keep me from hurting myself. I was expecting to only be allowed to walk in my first lesson, especially as we did not know how my leg would react. However I was in heaven, when I heard the instructor call my name and tell me to go for a trot!!!!! At first the trots were short, so that we could establish my strength, however throughout the lesson they got longer and longer. I could have cried with happiness. I have loved horses all my life, and started riding at the age of 5. Ten years later I had to stop due to injury. So you can imagine my joy at being able  to get on a horse again and then being able to do more that I expected!

I managed to do the entire lesson, which was incredible!!! To dismount from the horse, things had to get inventive again, as I was unable to do this in the typical manner. Instead I swung my leg over the horse’s neck again and sat side-saddle. Then with my arms wrapped round the volunteers, I let myself slowly slide down the horse to the ground. It was an amazing day! One that I will not ever forget. I cannot wait to go back next week for my next R.D.A lesson!

This is a picture of me riding Connie, just getting ready to dismount at the end of a fantastic lesson!

I also attended my support/research group last night. I really do love this group. It does a slight bit of meditation, free movement, discussion etc. To an onlooker, it would most likely look that we are all slightly crazy, however everything we do, I find leaves me feeling relaxed and peaceful by the end of the session. It was a perfect end to a rather heavenly day!

Posted in Archive, January

The Battle against my Foot, the Doctors and my Brain.

Posted on by dystoniaandme

When you wake up in the morning, what do you? Do you mentally wrestle with yourself to throw back your warm duvet cover, swing your legs out into the unwelcoming cold, stand up and start your day? This is a simple task. One you do every day without thinking about it.

For me, simple is not an applicable word for this every day task. Most days my mother wakes me up to give me my first cocktail of medications for the day. I stay in bed, at the moment for breakfast, as venturing outside of the safety of my mattress is a dangerous move to make. When I eventually have to get out of bed, it involves me calling for my mum to help. Once I have managed to get to the edge of the bed, my mum takes one arm and my step-dad or sibling will take the other.  They support me/attempt to prevent me from falling as I try to walk.

At the moment when my right foot is forced to try and work normally, it fights back hard. Often winning. My toes curl them-selves under, my foot flips over so that the top of it scraps painfully along the floor. And then to put the icing on the cake, it will twist in unnatural painful positions, as it protests violently against my will.

For me, at the present time, getting up and moving is an exhausting task. One that fills me with dread every time I need the loo, or have to move to a different room. Each time I attempt to move around, I try to clear my mind from panic. I tell myself over and over again, that this time  it might just be different, I might manage to walk a few steps, like I was doing before Christmas. I fill my head with positive thoughts. However when my foot then starts to contort, it is physically and emotionally draining.

I wish the doctors could see me like this. See me at home, when I am out of my wheelchair. Where a small glitch in my brain makes me vulnerable in my own environment. Where I struggle to walk one step, where my family catches me when I collapse, where my family protect me from my surroundings when the pain causes me to have a Seizure. Where they could see that I need help now and not in a years time!

However I must remain positive, I must focus on the fact that before Christmas, I was slowly making progress, and learning to walk again. The fact I started to walk, reassure’s me that I will again. Until then I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I must be pro-active. So I shall blog , I shall write letters, and I shall make the doctors and the politicians listen. I shall make them understand just how life changing and debilitating Dystonia is and I shall make them take action! I shall not remain silent!