Out of Control

I’m not sure where to begin. There is so much pain and if I am quite honest it is making everything extremely cloudy. After months and months of being seizure free I think today I had one, the memory loss that I seem to be experiencing confirms it. The devastation this causes is hard to put into words. I’m scared to leave the safety of my bed in case I have another, as one fall will be all it takes to pretty much guarantee an ambulance trip to the local hospital. After spending the last two days there (one planned trip, one unplanned), I don’t particularly fancy going back again so soon.

One of my Dystonia symptoms is a strong twitch/jerk, in my left arm. It flings my arm out rather violently to the side, it is completely out of my out of my control. This has been controlled by 3600mg of Gabapentin for the last two years but this no longer seems to be enough. It started off with just my shoulders jerking, I should have gone to the Drs then but instead I ignored this symptom. It’s got to the point now where my arm is flinging itself out to the side every few minutes with such a force that it causes horrendous pain when it collides with something, which it often does. I have had to resort to wearing a splint on my wrist to protect it as it had become rather swollen from the several times it has hit door frames, walls, hospital beds, etc.

My GP has decided to up the amount of Topiramate I take, which is an old antiepileptic medication to see if that will help. I take Topiramate to control my migraines but as my GP pointed out old antiepileptic medications such as Topiramate and Gabapentin often have many uses. So fingers crossed it works as I’m really struggling to cope. In all simple truth I just want someone to hug me but as I told my mother earlier I’m to scared to let her do so incase I hurt her.

I’m scared of my arm, the pain its causing and how my body irrationally responds to pain. This situation is impacting my life already – I daren’t walk into a shop now I’d break their stock – and I refuse for my life to be put on hold yet again! I really hope my little Dystonia Alien can hear me. I hope he is trembling in his tiny boots. As eventually my fear will give into rage, and I sincerely hope that the Alien has the sense to uproot and leave than do battle with me yet again.